Today I’m sharing a story written by a good friend of mine about her sweet little baby gone too soon.
October is infant loss and miscarriage awareness month. Sarah was brave and honest to share this story with us. It is so beautiful and straight from her loving mothers heart to her sweet baby grape.
For my Sweet Baby Grape 💕
As soon as I knew that you were there in my womb, I loved you deeply.
I had visions of who you might look like, maybe with Daddy’s blue eyes, or how your giggle might sound, or what your tiny head would feel resting against my chest as I sang you to sleep.
With more excitement than we could contain, we shared the news of your presence with our families. We were soaring with joy as we celebrated this new life, the first Grandchild for my parents. We endearingly nicknamed you Grape that weekend, based on your wee little frame.
But weeks later as the physical pain began, I realized that our time with you on Earth had ended. I was ripping apart. My heart was shattered into more pieces than I could count. I didn’t even recognize the person I became as the anger and grief took over. For days I awoke and rubbed my eyes in that half awake state and again felt the gut searing pain of the reality that you were gone. I was empty and nothing would ever bring you back. I felt like no one really ‘got it’.
Incredible church members, friends and family surrounded Daddy and I with hope and love, and other women shared their stories of deep loss, and great joy as they conceived again. Their empathy helped me on my journey, but I was not consoled by the hopes of conceiving again. No other baby would ever replace you Grape. I wanted YOU.
But our Lord, He is so good. He knew my innermost thoughts. He knit me together in my mother’s womb, just as He had begun to do with you. He held me as I cried, just as He holds you against His chest and sings over you my sweet baby. Isn’t He wonderful? He sang over me His amazing words and promises as tears soaked my pillow. Despite my real, raw anger towards God, He never stopped pursuing me or comforting me. My anger was met with silence at times, which drove me to my knees in desperation. As I searched for God in the midst of my sorrow, He healed my shattered heart and counselled me how to get through the next day. Only because of His unfailing love, mercy, and strength, I found peace. I also found purpose when I was able to help others who are also forced to say goodbye to their babies far too soon.
God only entrusted you to us for a very short time baby Grape. Thirteen weeks. Jesus promised me that you were with Him. He gave me visions of how He bounced you on his knee with all the other beautiful babies who were never held by their Mommies and Daddies. I knew without a doubt that you were in Heaven with our Saviour, spared from this Earth.
I now dream of the day when Jesus will pass you into my waiting arms. I will finally peer into your eyes to see what colour they really are, and hold you tightly against my chest as I sing you to sleep, my sweet baby Grape. Daddy will throw you into the sky and you won’t be able to contain your giggles. I can imagine your younger siblings Jackson, Kinley and Ella will be in awe by their similarities to you, and their deep connection and immediate love for you. The tattoo of Grapes on Daddy’s arm is a reminder to me of how your short Earthly life changed us. Reminds me that you are real, and waiting to meet us. You are so very precious to us. We love you our sweet baby Grape and your Saviour loves you even more.
Love Mommy and Daddy
Thank you so much Sarah and all our readers who have shared stories and our blog. We hope it gives you hope as you pursue building your family.