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Baby Grape

Today I’m sharing a story written by a good friend of mine about her sweet little baby gone too soon.

October is infant loss and miscarriage awareness month. Sarah was brave and honest to share this story with us. It is so beautiful and straight from her loving mothers heart to her sweet baby grape.

For my Sweet Baby Grape 💕

As soon as I knew that you were there in my womb, I loved you deeply.

I had visions of who you might look like, maybe with Daddy’s blue eyes, or how your giggle might sound, or what your tiny head would feel resting against my chest as I sang you to sleep.

 With more excitement than we could contain, we shared the news of your presence with our families. We were soaring with joy as we celebrated this new life, the first Grandchild for my parents. We endearingly nicknamed you Grape that weekend, based on your wee little frame.

But weeks later as the physical pain began, I realized that our time with you on Earth had ended. I was ripping apart. My heart was shattered into more pieces than I could count. I didn’t even recognize the person I became as the anger and grief took over. For days I awoke and rubbed my eyes in that half awake state and again felt the gut searing pain of the reality that you were gone. I was empty and nothing would ever bring you back. I felt like no one really ‘got it’.

Incredible church members, friends and family surrounded Daddy and I with hope and love, and other women shared their stories of deep loss, and great joy as they conceived again. Their empathy helped me on my journey, but I was not consoled by the hopes of conceiving again. No other baby would ever replace you Grape. I wanted YOU.

But our Lord, He is so good. He knew my innermost thoughts. He knit me together in my mother’s womb, just as He had begun to do with you. He held me as I cried, just as He holds you against His chest and sings over you my sweet baby. Isn’t He wonderful? He sang over me His amazing words and promises as tears soaked my pillow. Despite my real, raw anger towards God, He never stopped pursuing me or comforting me. My anger was met with silence at times, which drove me to my knees in desperation. As I searched for God in the midst of my sorrow, He healed my shattered heart and counselled me how to get through the next day. Only because of His unfailing love, mercy, and strength, I found peace. I also found purpose when I was able to help others who are also forced to say goodbye to their babies far too soon.

God only entrusted you to us for a very short time baby Grape. Thirteen weeks. Jesus promised me that you were with Him. He gave me visions of how He bounced you on his knee with all the other beautiful babies who were never held by their Mommies and Daddies.  I knew without a doubt that you were in Heaven with our Saviour, spared from this Earth.

I now dream of the day when Jesus will pass you into my waiting arms. I will finally peer into your eyes to see what colour they really are, and hold you tightly against my chest as I sing you to sleep, my sweet baby Grape. Daddy will throw you into the sky and you won’t be able to contain your giggles. I can imagine your younger siblings Jackson, Kinley and Ella will be in awe by their similarities to you, and their deep connection and immediate love for you. The tattoo of Grapes on Daddy’s arm is a reminder to me of how your short Earthly life changed us. Reminds me that you are real, and waiting to meet us. You are so very precious to us. We love you our sweet baby Grape and your Saviour loves you even more.

Love Mommy and Daddy

Thank you so much Sarah and all our readers who have shared stories and our blog. We hope it gives you hope as you pursue building your family.

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“in loss and grief there comes forms of beautiful redemption, empathy, and grace”

Going through old journals of mine, I came across this one. I wrote this journal when I was pregnant with our first baby, through the loss of that child, and through the darkness and haze of grief that followed. As I read through the pages remembering that time, I stumbled upon a page that brings me so much perspective.
In between the pages of sadness and hopelessness, Adalyn drew a picture. I feel like time and grief are not linear. When I was writing about my hurt and my longing for a child, I never could have imagined that one day, the child that I prayed so hard for would put her mark in between all of that hurt.

To anyone that has lost a child, or that has been praying for one, I know your hurt and I know that pain, but I also know that in loss and grief there comes forms of beautiful redemption, empathy, and grace.

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This beautiful post was shared by my friend Toni. Toni's personal journey to her family led her to become a mother of three, a professional Doula and CEO of Mountain Mama Collective. She devotes herself to encouraging and providing resources and support to moms of all stages. You can follow her at @toni.mmc or visit MMC here

Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing this with us Toni.

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Mother’s Day


Mothers Day has so many different emotions for me. I celebrate that I am so blessed to be a mom to my beautiful daughter Ruby. 
I celebrate that I was raised by an amazing selfless and caring mother. She was always there for us, so sweet and loving. I wish I could be just like her. I also mourn that for 12 years we have been slowly loosing her to Alzheimer’s disease. 
My heart breaks that today is such a painful reminder to my infertility community that still has waiting arms to hold a babe they can call their own. And moms who did hold a baby they called their own and then lost. 
Motherhood isn’t just something that comes and goes. However we experience motherhood or being mothered makes us who we are. It molds our personalities, developes our strengths and nurtures our weaknesses. 
Wherever you are on your road to motherhood. Your experiences are valuable. They have or are shaping you to be the amazing and unique mother you will be one day. 

Happy Mothers Day

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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November Book Recommendation

It’s still November for a few more days and that means that we are still celebrating #novembernationaladoptionawarenessmonth. Whoa that’s a big one! 

This months book recommendation has a lot to do with adoption, but also marriage, family, God and really really hard times. 

Mary Beth Chapman tells the story of how God grew their family through biological children and adoption. She also shares about a huge tragedy in their family and how they navigated through it. 

I know I was encouraged by her story, and I hope you are too. 

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The Morgan Family 

As many of you know, October is miscarriage and infant loss awareness month. I asked my friend Heather is she would share her story with us. Heather’s son was diagnosed with trisomy 18 while in utero. She tells the story of loving her son, and making impossibly hard decisions along the way. I hope some of you find encouragement from her experience. Click the link to read
http://www.trisomy18.org/story/jeremiah-edwards-family/

We also asked Heather if she would answer some questions that some of you may have if you are facing some of these same difficulties. If you think of any more questions please comment and she will be happy to answer them. 

My son passed away fourteen years ago now. Emily asked me to answer some questions from the perspective that time has given me.

How can I move on and have joy? 

Strangely enough I think that the path to joy has to be directly through the pain of loss. Many people I have watched have tried to “just get on with life”, and in the process have “buried” their feelings along with their babe. Others find it hard to approach the subject of grief, because it all feels too overwhelming. It was only when I carved out time and found someone trustworthy to talk things through with that I felt I truly began to move through the process and begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Will I always remember my baby, even though we were together for a short time? 

Yes. You always will remember. You will never *not* be their mama or papa. But also, in the healthiest, best way possible, eventually there will be moments when you realise that minutes or hours or even days have gone by where it isn’t a constant, ever present thought in your mind. You will begin to be able to focus on other things, do other things and then come back to your thoughts and your memories when the time is right. They will ALWAYS be there when you do.

Will my heart ever be whole again? 

I think if you do the work I talked about in the first question your heart will be whole again, but it will be differently shaped when you get there. Your child’s life, no matter how fragile or brief will forever change your world. You will see life and meaning and purpose in different ways. You will have new grace and understanding for others in similar circumstances. You will likely never be satisfied with glib or “easy” answers again, but you will also likely find much deeper, richer, more satisfying truths as a result.

What are some ways that my family can remember their sibling/child?

There are lots of ways to remember your precious sibling or child (or grandchild). Pictures, if you have them, are great. A scrapbook with lots of journaling telling your child’s story is wonderful for littles and bigs alike. Doing something, whether little and quiet, like lighting a candle, or bigger like doing a balloon launch, can be nice on a special day, like your child’s expected due date, or the anniversary of their birth or death. I do think, however, that we worry that our children will be forgotten, and I think maybe the thing we need to hear most of all is that, although it’s totally fine and good to do all of those things or some of those things, it’s also totally fine to decide *not* to do some or all of those things. Your child will *never* be forgotten. You held them in your heart once, you will forever hold them in your heart.

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Ways to Support your Friends


A lot of us have not experienced miscarriage or infant loss, so we don’t know how to be there for those that have. Here are a few ways to support and love your friends who have or are dealing with this pain. 

1. Acknowledge the loss

Tell you friend that you are sorry for their loss. Ask if you can hug them and pray for them. And if they chose a name for their child, use the name. 

2. Don’t try to have the right thing to say. 

Most likely you won’t have the right thing to say so don’t try. Just be a listening ear. Tell your friend your always there to talk when they are ready. 

3. Hold off on Stories
Don’t try to cheer them up by telling stories of others. By telling them they will be fine in the future and may have a child some day doesn’t make the pain any less right now. 

4. Encourage supportive social media
Help share and spread the word that infertility and miscarriage is not something shameful to be kept quiet. Don’t tag you friends in posts. It’s their decision to share. 

If you have other thoughts and suggestions of how people can or have been there for you. Please comment below! 

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She Danced 

#Repost @mymisterandme with @repostapp・・・

I have someone’s story to share. This last week I was away for some photoshoots and my very last client asked me to share (anonymously) her story of hope. She did dance back in college and asked for an artistic shoot to help her capture her emotions. She has had 2 miscarriages in 5 years… the second of which almost killed her. She told me about how hard it was going through the loss and then feeling like she lost track and control of her body. Her dance was pushed to the side as she grew more ashamed of her figure and more than that… felt like her body just was letting her down. When she lost her second child, the loss was so deep and the pregnancy was so far along that it almost killed her too. She didn’t want to fight for herself after losing another child. Then… years later, she’s come to a beautiful realization and wanted to share it with all the other mothers with angels in heaven. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• “The loss I went through… I realized that I wasn’t alone. There are other angel mommys that are hurting just like me. I decided that I was done mourning. It was time to work on myself, mend my heart and get back to my passions. Maybe even let my passions and experience help others. This is going to be my first time dancing again… and I wanted it to be photographed. I’ve been dreaming of a routine that shows my loss, my hurt and ultimately… my hope. My body has changed, and it’s taken time, but I’m proud of the way I look. It’s the way it is because of the experiences I’ve been through and it shows my struggle and now I believe it shows my strength. My curves are beautiful to me because they remind me that I have two little angels in heaven who need me to live life to the fullest.” •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

She danced. I cried and she wept with her movements. This shot to me… Shows it all. Loss, change, hope and acceptance. Let’s show this ✨Angels Mommy✨ our support and love. Help me share her story so that her experience can give hope to others! ••• Now… Excuse me while I go and get some more tissues.

Shared from @mymisterandme on Instagram. 
Thank you so much for bringing this post to our attention and allowing us to share it! If you are facing the same things that this angel mama is facing, you are not alone. We are a community of support for you. This month we remember all the angel mamas and angel babies. 

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Hannah’s Hope – April’s Book Recommendation

 

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Welcome to our Monthly Book Recommendation!

We are going to share a book every month that we, or our readers found to be helpful on the journey of infertility, adoption, loss or parenting hardship. This Month for National Infertility Awareness Week we are recommending Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake. Jennifer talks about her personal struggles with God, her marriage and her own heart while trying to build her family. This book was extremely encouraging to me while getting some much needed R&R on the beach in Nicaragua. AAAAAnd it was actually the book that inspired me and what God used to plant the seed for this website and ministry  in my heart.

I hope you enjoy the book.

 

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Miscarriage – Toddia’s Story

miscarriage-baby-pregnancy-lossI’d like to start this out by saying I wish someone would of warned me about the roller coaster I was about to jump on. The ups and downs of trying to conceive and then….miscarriage. The amount of disappointment one feels each month. The strain it has on your marriage and relationships with friends and family… But would I have listened??…I see people who live a terrible lifestyle & they pop out babies left and right, friends who got pregnant on the first try! So I’m thinking hey, I’m young and healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. I may drink a little more wine then I should, but hey I make up for it in gym. So I think when It’s my turn to try I will have no problems. I don’t understand why I felt oblivious to this, but having fertility issues never crossed my mind. In 2012 I married my best friend, fully knowing I couldn’t live my life without him. He is my heart, best friend, lover, rock and soul mate.

After we got married we both agreed it would be a good idea to cleanse my body from birth control since I had been on it steady since I was 14.  Of course like any other couple we have our whole lives planned out, marriage, house, get a dog, settled in our careers, and then babies! To date it has pretty much worked out that way, with no problems  or obstacles to hold us back… Until now.
I’m not sure why, but the idea of making a baby consumed me… it is really all I think about. I’m on google non-stop, looking everything up, reading blogs and asking friends about their experiences. Why can’t I just let nature do its thing and when it happens be over the moon?

With many new exciting things happening in our lives, purchasing the family farm, renovating, moving and maintaining my business, we decided it would be a good idea to start trying for a baby. Now saying that, we never really used protection once I got off of birth control. Our method was “the pull out” method, If that even exists. We were fully aware of the chances we were taking by doing this, but both wanted kids so if happened we felt it was meant to be. So after 18 months of the “pull out” method we decided it was time to start trying for baby, but we didn’t want to put the stress on me of watching my ovulation calendar we wanted to have fun with it, and see where it went. I started taking prenatal vitamins as I knew this was important to have folic acid in my body if I happened to get pregnant.  We didn’t want to let our family members know at this time, only because we already were getting questions left and right at gatherings of “when are the babies coming”?. Blah blah blah, we all know how that is. It’s like come on people, if I was pregnant don’t you think you all would be the first to know?!?! I have 5 older sisters, so you can only imagine how that is.  We had discussed our options of midwifery or doctors, and of course my husband says whatever is going to make you more comfortable babe.  I did some research and found there was a Midwife clinic in Collingwood. I decided to call them, and see what they were all about. Knowing a bit about it midwifery,  and doulas, thanks to my beautiful friend, who is a doula!  I felt that a midwife was best suited for me.

In October 2014, I was 12 days late for my period. Now for me, that was a for sure sign I was pregnant because my cycle is like clock work, I’m 26 day cycle on the dot. On October 20th, (my husband’s birthday) I decided to go buy a first response kit and give it a try… By the way they are not cheap!! Well I can definitely say, waiting the time from peeing on that stick to the moment I saw those two pink lines felt like a life time.

We had wanted this so much and felt in our hearts it was our time! Running out of the bathroom into my mans arms showing him the two pink lines was one of the most exciting times of my life. We cried, laughed, kissed and held on to each other for a few moments. We wanted to take it all in.  

Strange to say, but I had this strange feeling of “knowing” I was pregnant, My anxiety was sky high, weird mood swings, and my nipples were hard and sensitive all the time!!!

The next morning we woke up so excited, it was time to be rid of my bad habits, no more coffee in the morning, I changed to hot water and lemon. I still had my two eggs in a wrap with salsa.  Snacking became more important to me, I made sure I ate every 4 hours, even if I wasn’t hungry. I had read a few prenatal books and knew that nutrition is very important. I called my family doctor to schedule an appointment for him to confirm the pregnancy with blood work. … Because that’s what google told me to do. Of course he was on holidays so I would have to wait a week.. Which I thought okay that’s fine, this baby isn’t going anywhere.

7 days after my positive home pregnancy test, I started light spotting. Now for me, I am an entrepreneur, I cant just tell my boss I am feeling ill and leave. This happened in the morning, and by noon I had a full period and major cramping. All my signs of pregnancy faded, no more anxiety, my nipples no longer hurt or felt sensitive. I called the doctors office again, and had a scheduled appointment to days later. I called the midwife clinic and they had such compassion for me, they said because I wasn’t very far along that my options were slim, but if I wanted I could go to the emergency and request an ultra sound. I said thank you, and ended the conversation.

What a devastating feeling, I thought of everything I did in that week that could of caused this. I kept thinking this isn’t happening. I am not having a miscarriage.  The thought of that didn’t even cross my mind when we had decided to start trying. No one talks about the emotional roller coaster you sign up for when you decided to have/ make a baby. I wish there was a book or something I could of read to better prepare myself. But in all honesty, I’m not sure it would of helped. I can’t put it in to words the feelings that go through your body. I felt like I had failed my husband, telling him that night when I got home was terrible. I couldn’t stop crying. He was sad, gave me a hug and said everything was going to be okay, and we would keep trying.

We sat on the couch in silence for a while. Just holding each other. I’m not sure what went though his mind at this time, but I know for me, it was why?, why did this happen? I’m young, healthy, a good person, I’d be a wonderful mom, we’re ready for this! After about an hour of silence, he started making jokes and trying to make me laugh. When all I wanted was to be sad, cry and be in his arms. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just say it wasn’t meant to be and move on. The day I went into my doctors office, he had me do a urine test. Of course it was negative, so that is the first thing he tells me when he comes into the room.

“Oh your pregnancy test is negative”, like I wanted it to be or something. When he sees me blush and my eyes tear up, he says “oh, I’m assuming you and your husband are trying”? The 15 minutes I was in there, he stood at the door with this hand on the knob, like he had better things to do. He said “keep trying, sex every other day, have fun with it”. I left feeling more confused and sad, like what just happened. He was cold, and brushed me off like I was a leaf on his shoulder.

Once I could talk about it without breaking down and crying I decided to tell my sisters and parents. Well what a mistake that was. I felt instant regret when the words rolled off my tongue, of course they think they are all doctors and know best, and all have answers as to why  this happened to me. I made each conversation shorter as I called each one of them. My parents were visiting at the time, so I told them in person, and said please don’t talk about this, I don’t want advice or your opinion as to why it has happened, just know I am dealing with it best I can.

A month passes by, and of course we don’t stop trying. December 18th I have another positive home pregnancy test. This time I was 6 days late for my period, I went out bought another first response test.. Got home took it and by my surprise, it was positive. I was instantly scared, not sure how to feel. I didn’t want to feel this disappointment again. My husband wasn’t home at this time, so I decided to wrap the stick up and he could open it Christmas morning since it wasn’t very far away. Well that lasted about 4 hours, he was in the shower and I started to think about a baby in our lives, and how much we wanted it. The excitement soon took over and I ripped that box open took the stick out, and stood in the bathroom while he took his shower, talking about anything and everything. Once he pulled back the curtain, I held up the stick to his face. He was like ahh what is this?! Are we pregnant!?

Smiling I say YES!

His response was so not what I wanted,…”well don’t get excited or tell anyone, we know what happened last time” My excitement came crashing down and so did my smile, I say “shut up”, can you please just be excited with me?!  We hug and silence takes over.

This time, I decided I didn’t want to deal with my family doctor, already having a bad experience with him. I decided to call the midwife clinic and see what my next step was with them. I took a first response test every two days for the first 2 weeks. Everyone was bright two lines! Yippy I am still pregnant I thought each time. Sonja the receptionist, had such love in her voice, she said I remember you. We’ve talked before, I said yes, I was the one who called and could barely talk to tell you about my miscarriage two months ago, you were kind enough to let me cry and say kind words.

The first available appointment they had available, was January 8th @ 2pm. I could hardly wait, I was so excited. I thought I’ve had my miscarriage, it wont happen to me again.  The only symptoms I had this time was my nipples. I felt normal, like myself. Which worried me a bit.  I went through the holidays by saying “Oh im DD today”, or “im cleansing my body, no wine for me”!  My family knew something was up, but didn’t ask.

I had a hard time keeping this wonderful secret to myself, so I decided I would pick 1 sister to tell… Well anyone with sisters knows.. once one knows they all know! SO that was a huge mistake. They were all excited and wanted to tell the world, but I made them all promise they would keep it a secret till I had my first doctors appointment. Monday January 5th, 4 days before my first midwife appointment, I went to work like every other day, felt good. Around 11am, I went to the bathroom, and when I wiped, it was dark brown. My heart sank, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I didn’t want to move. I was frozen.

After a moment I got up, and went to sit down at my desk.. Trying not to think the worse, I started to google and everything led to what I feared…. Miscarriage. Tears fell down my face, and I was once again heart broken. I Questioned everything I did the last few days, what did I eat, did I get enough sleep. Being at work was another hard part, putting a smile on my face when customers came in, talking happy as if nothing was wrong. When all I could think about was losing my baby. I called the midwife clinic shortly after, and told Sonja what happened. She paused and said, “I’m so sorry, This is your second one isn’t it”? Crying I whimper and manage to get out a”yes” She got one of the midwives that was on my team to come to the phone, Catherine asked me, what color the blood was. I said at first it was brown, and she said oh that’s a good sign. But then I said, it is now bright red. She paused and said, get to the emergency room asap, and ask for an ultra sound, they will be able to tell you whats going on.

I decided I would close the store early, and go home to tell my husband the horrifying news.  Once again, he gives me an answer I didn’t want to hear, “it’s okay babe, We will have a baby someday, we are meant to be parents”  I don’t know why he couldn’t just cry with me, and feel the sadness I was feeling. We got in the car and head to the Collingwood ER,  they took me in right away, they calculated I was about 7 weeks along.  The ultra sound showed their was a sac intact, and everything looked good. The doctor said it was too early to tell if it would end in a miscarriage. But to keep positive and come back in two days time to have another ultra sound.  We left the hospital, not saying a word the whole way home.  I went to straight to bed when we got home, and just cried, I knew in my heart I was losing the baby. The cramps grew stronger, the flow got heavier, and so did the clots.

Two days later I go back to the hospital alone, I didn’t want anyone with me, not even my husband. I knew what the news was going to be. I wanted to deal with it alone, and not think about anything else.  I had a vaginal ultra sound and blood work, of course the ultra sound technician doesn’t say a word or tell you if anything is good or bad. So I had to wait till 2pm for my first midwife appointment. What a long stressful day. I had my husband pick me up from work and we went to this one together.  When we first arrived, the results had not arrived yet, so we went over a few things about midwifery, did we want a home birth, did we want to do genetic testing, or have a medicated birth. This was a lot to take in, with the thoughts of my dying baby inside me. I know many people think its not a baby this early on, it’s just a ball of cells my one sister told me.  But I feel differently.

It doesn’t matter how far along you are, if your pregnant, you have a baby inside you, you are carrying and nurturing a life. The greatest gift in life.

Once the results came in, Katherine read them out loud. Their was reminance of something in my fallopian tubes, and a small piece of something in the bottom of my uterus. They could not rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Since there was not enough evidence to tell for sure.  All we heard was confirmation that I had lost another baby. Katherine got down to my level put her hands on my shoulders and said you need to morn this, cry, let it all out. She looked at my husband and said you need to too and don’t stop her from feeling this. I questioned God’s faithfulness at that moment, why was he doing this to me. How could I have faith.

This might be more information then you want to read so feel free to skip over this part, but anyone who goes through this can relate. It’s not just a typical period you have after a miscarriage. The cramping is severe on & off, a lot of clotting, large chunks of who knows what, I didn’t even want to think about what it was I was flushing and it’s hard not to think every time you go to the washroom that your flushing your baby away. After a few days the cramping stopped, so did the bleeding. I carried on with my life. Telling family members that I had yet again had another miscarriage and it totally sucked!! It was like re-living those feelings every time. They never say anything you want to hear, or anything that makes you feel better. I got responses like; “there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, have a glass wine of wine & put your feet up”

“ sorry to hear sister”

& my favourite…

“are you sure you were even pregnant, did you have any symptoms?”

NO one knows the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive or pregnancy unless they have gone through it, or are going through it. Many people forget it all when they do have a successful pregnancy.  I’ve learned that you will be disappointed in life time after time if you get your hopes up of seeing the reactions of other people. Even if they are close to you, it seems their answer is just never what you want to hear even though they mean well. I’ve talked to my nurse practitioner and she said once I have 4 miscarriages they will send me for fertility testing. Well there ya go I said, “i’m half way there”. My doctor said I have to be actively trying for over a year before he would look into it.

I wish their was another way, I guess best thing to do is let nature takes it course and put faith in God that he will let it happen.  I am lucky to have such an amazing partner in life who is so positive and reminds me every day that we will be parents some day. I am still on my journey, every day is a new day. I am not disappointed when aunt flow decides to visit me right now. I am taking my time, God will grant me with a beautiful child someday, I just have to have faith and love knowing this. I’ve recently purchased the Clear Blue Ovulation test… not sure why seeing as I have no problems getting pregnant… my problem is staying pregnant!

I will let you know what happens next month!

……..Stay tuned!

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Miscarriage – Karen’s Story

I actually never really thought I wanted children. I’m not sure if that was me just being a selfish 20 something woman or if I just had never met the right person?

When I met my now husband, and knowing how much he wanted a family it made me realize how much I wanted it, because I wanted it with him!

We had planned to have a baby. We bought the Clear Blue fertility monitor and test strips on Amazon and everything! We were so excited and ended up getting pregnant the second month of trying! We considered ourselves to be soooo lucky, as we know some friends and family that were facing struggles in that department for some time. I was about 6 weeks when I found out, I went to the doctor to confirm and everything was positive! My parents were coming for a visit in 4 weeks so we decided to wait and give them their early Mothers and Fathers Day gifts! I bought 2 bibs that said “my Grandma/ Grandpa loves me”! Needless to say they were both over the moon excited for my husband and I!

Around 13 wks I went for a checkup, I was having a little bit of bloody discharge, and wanted to make sure everything was ok. When I went to the doctors office they attempted to hear the heart beat with the hand held device, and no such luck. (I was living in the USA at the time) they took me to the other room to take an ultrasound to be sure, as some times even at 13 wks you might not hear the heartbeat depending on the position of the baby.

She pulled up the image on my belly and I saw the baby curled up so cute, looked over at my husband with a huge smile! What felt like 10 mins of her moving the wand across my tummy trying to hear that heartbeat, jokingly I said “is the volume up? We are ready to hear it now”.

The doctor stayed silent, then said “this baby isn’t still alive”.

Miscarriage. I just cried…. I still just cry when I think about it.

We had to make the arrangements right there, as they believed the baby had passed at about 11 wks, and I was about to be 14 week so I wanted to get the baby out as soon as possible.

My husband and I went home and stayed very silent for the 3 days leading up to my surgery. I later found out that my strong as a rock, never shed a tear husband, left to get some food for us, and cried for a long time. He didn’t want me to see him be weak. He wanted to be strong for me. The truth is, I needed him to show me how he was AS affected by this as I was. Now in hindsight, it didn’t matter, I just needed him there for me, and he was. We went through a tough time though. Not really knowing how to deal with each other. Im over emotional and he’s not…. It was a true test for our marriage. We learned a lot, and we figured out that sticking together was the only thing that would make the pain lessen.

I had my D and C on June 13th 2013. I will never forget that day. It was horrible, scary and sad. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a baby until I lost one. I didn’t realize that it would impact my life the way it has. No, I don’t sit around crying all day long…. but when it gets brought up, sure I get teary eyed. I have the sonogram and a card a friend gave me when we told them the news, and it is in my underwear drawer and probably always will be 🙂

After my surgery, my doctor told me to make sure that I didn’t get pregnant for a minimum of 3 months. She said that my body needs time to heal from the miscarriage.

I had a normal period like clock work a month after my surgery, and the following month I got pregnant for a second time. I found out at about 9 or 10 weeks. I took two at home tests, and cried when the two blue lines lit up like a christmas tree. STRONG AS EVER.

My husband and I were terrified, and walked on egg shells until 20 wks. Didn’t tell a soul other then my parents until after that 20 wk point. The “safe zone” they apparently call it .

Today, I have a healthy baby girl who was one year old in April. And she is bright and beautiful and lights up our lives 🙂

Im not an overly religious person if at all…. but I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe reasons we cannot explain or understand, especially in what seems like our darkest hours. I do believe that that happened to my family because the baby didn’t have everything that he or she needed to survive in this world, and also to teach me something. What that is, Im not entirely sure…. maybe I will know one day 🙂