When my wife asked me to write a little something about my perspective on infertility for her blog in honor of men’s month, it kind of caught me off guard… I said yes but knew I needed to take a quiet moment and really ask myself what my perspective is…
I guess I always thought about it as our struggle, I’m in a place now that I can look back and be so grateful for all we have been through but in those first moments it was very difficult. I always felt that having a family would just be…easy. I was wrong. There were way too many tears and sleepless nights.
I come from a home were my Dad is a rock, a strong yet humble man who has always put his family above himself, that was the kind of husband and father I knew I wanted to be.
When we decided to start trying to have a family and 1 month turned into 2 and 2 into 6 and so on we went, what the hell is happening??? My wife being very proactive decided to go get tested for infertility and suggested that I wait until she gets an answer before we bother with me getting tested. Her results came back fine, then so did mine but because after trying for a full year and still nothing, we were considered to be infertile with a 3% chance of getting pregnant each month. I was later shocked to find out that 1 in 7 couples are dealing with infertility issues.
At first we were excited because we felt affirmation that God has set us up for the route of adoption, and we both really wanted that, it never felt like plan B to us. But none the less we kept trying ourselves in the meantime figuring either way this happens we just want to be parents. This brings me back to the husband I wanted to be… these next many months were so hard on my wife…just because we were ok with adopting didn’t mean she wasn’t mourning the loss of potentially never actually being able to give birth to a child of her own which is what she was designed to do… Month after month of no news from the adoption agency and no positive sign on the pregnancy test…she was hurting, I was also hurting but in a different way. Everyone around us was getting pregnant, people who didn’t necessarily even want to be pregnant, everywhere you looked reminders of happy families and us without. Why?? How could I be that strong husband for my wife when I was powerless…there was nothing I could do and I think looking back I really screwed up a lot, how she was feeling frustrated me and I didn’t know how to deal with it so I got upset and wasn’t really seeing things from her point of view…we were seeing things differently and I wasn’t fully there for her.
After intentionally trying hard to work on that and lots of communication we began to see things more clearly, that suffering is a part of life and that we are not spared from it…It’s so easy to feel sorry for yourself but we kept concentrating on all that we had been blessed with and we did our best to be positive and patient… we had many epic fails but more good days than bad at this point. Many more negative pregnancy tests and failed adoption scenarios finally lead us to our baby…our sweet baby girl who we love so much and now know that it was her all along that we were waiting for, that we didn’t suffer for nothing.
Getting to see this all play out puts me in a different position now than you if you are a man struggling with infertility or the husband of a hurting wife, so let me encourage you to keep pursuing your family and don’t give up hope. As a man just the word infertile makes you want to lower your head but this is not a weakness in fact it is a call to be courageous in my experience… There are many ways to start a family now a days and none are wrong but for us it’s always been adoption. We live in a broken and hurting world, a world full of unwanted children and MANY MANY who are wanted but not all mothers and fathers have a choice in their circumstances and I think when you save your judgement and meet some of these unbelievably courageous, loving and selfless people you may change your opinion. So because I was “infertile” I got a chance to be that man I always admired. I am now a proud father of a little girl who 2 people GAVE ME! They intrusted their most precious gift to me, the love I have for them is not possible to put into words… I am so thankful they are in my life and in my daughter’s life.
So there it is I guess, my story and my perspective. I’ve always considered myself a man’s man, and I don’t know where you get your strength from but this experience has humbled me to fully realize that my strength comes from the Lord, I truly believe that in my weakness He is strong and He is faithful.
Do you want to be a real man?… love your wife through difficult times, drop your pride and talk about your struggles, help others on the same road as you’ve travelled and be open to where God might be calling you. And never give up hope on having a family because being a father is an honor and a privilege and there’s nothing like it!
Happy Father’s Day men, present and future!
We love hearing your stories! If you would like to share your struggles or hopes in building a family, you can send it to email@example.com