I actually never really thought I wanted children. I’m not sure if that was me just being a selfish 20 something woman or if I just had never met the right person?
When I met my now husband, and knowing how much he wanted a family it made me realize how much I wanted it, because I wanted it with him!
We had planned to have a baby. We bought the Clear Blue fertility monitor and test strips on Amazon and everything! We were so excited and ended up getting pregnant the second month of trying! We considered ourselves to be soooo lucky, as we know some friends and family that were facing struggles in that department for some time. I was about 6 weeks when I found out, I went to the doctor to confirm and everything was positive! My parents were coming for a visit in 4 weeks so we decided to wait and give them their early Mothers and Fathers Day gifts! I bought 2 bibs that said “my Grandma/ Grandpa loves me”! Needless to say they were both over the moon excited for my husband and I!
Around 13 wks I went for a checkup, I was having a little bit of bloody discharge, and wanted to make sure everything was ok. When I went to the doctors office they attempted to hear the heart beat with the hand held device, and no such luck. (I was living in the USA at the time) they took me to the other room to take an ultrasound to be sure, as some times even at 13 wks you might not hear the heartbeat depending on the position of the baby.
She pulled up the image on my belly and I saw the baby curled up so cute, looked over at my husband with a huge smile! What felt like 10 mins of her moving the wand across my tummy trying to hear that heartbeat, jokingly I said “is the volume up? We are ready to hear it now”.
The doctor stayed silent, then said “this baby isn’t still alive”.
Miscarriage. I just cried…. I still just cry when I think about it.
We had to make the arrangements right there, as they believed the baby had passed at about 11 wks, and I was about to be 14 week so I wanted to get the baby out as soon as possible.
My husband and I went home and stayed very silent for the 3 days leading up to my surgery. I later found out that my strong as a rock, never shed a tear husband, left to get some food for us, and cried for a long time. He didn’t want me to see him be weak. He wanted to be strong for me. The truth is, I needed him to show me how he was AS affected by this as I was. Now in hindsight, it didn’t matter, I just needed him there for me, and he was. We went through a tough time though. Not really knowing how to deal with each other. Im over emotional and he’s not…. It was a true test for our marriage. We learned a lot, and we figured out that sticking together was the only thing that would make the pain lessen.
I had my D and C on June 13th 2013. I will never forget that day. It was horrible, scary and sad. I didn’t realize how much I wanted a baby until I lost one. I didn’t realize that it would impact my life the way it has. No, I don’t sit around crying all day long…. but when it gets brought up, sure I get teary eyed. I have the sonogram and a card a friend gave me when we told them the news, and it is in my underwear drawer and probably always will be 🙂
After my surgery, my doctor told me to make sure that I didn’t get pregnant for a minimum of 3 months. She said that my body needs time to heal from the miscarriage.
I had a normal period like clock work a month after my surgery, and the following month I got pregnant for a second time. I found out at about 9 or 10 weeks. I took two at home tests, and cried when the two blue lines lit up like a christmas tree. STRONG AS EVER.
My husband and I were terrified, and walked on egg shells until 20 wks. Didn’t tell a soul other then my parents until after that 20 wk point. The “safe zone” they apparently call it .
Today, I have a healthy baby girl who was one year old in April. And she is bright and beautiful and lights up our lives 🙂
Im not an overly religious person if at all…. but I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe reasons we cannot explain or understand, especially in what seems like our darkest hours. I do believe that that happened to my family because the baby didn’t have everything that he or she needed to survive in this world, and also to teach me something. What that is, Im not entirely sure…. maybe I will know one day 🙂