Miscarriage – Toddia’s Story

miscarriage-baby-pregnancy-lossI’d like to start this out by saying I wish someone would of warned me about the roller coaster I was about to jump on. The ups and downs of trying to conceive and then….miscarriage. The amount of disappointment one feels each month. The strain it has on your marriage and relationships with friends and family… But would I have listened??…I see people who live a terrible lifestyle & they pop out babies left and right, friends who got pregnant on the first try! So I’m thinking hey, I’m young and healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. I may drink a little more wine then I should, but hey I make up for it in gym. So I think when It’s my turn to try I will have no problems. I don’t understand why I felt oblivious to this, but having fertility issues never crossed my mind. In 2012 I married my best friend, fully knowing I couldn’t live my life without him. He is my heart, best friend, lover, rock and soul mate.

After we got married we both agreed it would be a good idea to cleanse my body from birth control since I had been on it steady since I was 14.  Of course like any other couple we have our whole lives planned out, marriage, house, get a dog, settled in our careers, and then babies! To date it has pretty much worked out that way, with no problems  or obstacles to hold us back… Until now.
I’m not sure why, but the idea of making a baby consumed me… it is really all I think about. I’m on google non-stop, looking everything up, reading blogs and asking friends about their experiences. Why can’t I just let nature do its thing and when it happens be over the moon?

With many new exciting things happening in our lives, purchasing the family farm, renovating, moving and maintaining my business, we decided it would be a good idea to start trying for a baby. Now saying that, we never really used protection once I got off of birth control. Our method was “the pull out” method, If that even exists. We were fully aware of the chances we were taking by doing this, but both wanted kids so if happened we felt it was meant to be. So after 18 months of the “pull out” method we decided it was time to start trying for baby, but we didn’t want to put the stress on me of watching my ovulation calendar we wanted to have fun with it, and see where it went. I started taking prenatal vitamins as I knew this was important to have folic acid in my body if I happened to get pregnant.  We didn’t want to let our family members know at this time, only because we already were getting questions left and right at gatherings of “when are the babies coming”?. Blah blah blah, we all know how that is. It’s like come on people, if I was pregnant don’t you think you all would be the first to know?!?! I have 5 older sisters, so you can only imagine how that is.  We had discussed our options of midwifery or doctors, and of course my husband says whatever is going to make you more comfortable babe.  I did some research and found there was a Midwife clinic in Collingwood. I decided to call them, and see what they were all about. Knowing a bit about it midwifery,  and doulas, thanks to my beautiful friend, who is a doula!  I felt that a midwife was best suited for me.

In October 2014, I was 12 days late for my period. Now for me, that was a for sure sign I was pregnant because my cycle is like clock work, I’m 26 day cycle on the dot. On October 20th, (my husband’s birthday) I decided to go buy a first response kit and give it a try… By the way they are not cheap!! Well I can definitely say, waiting the time from peeing on that stick to the moment I saw those two pink lines felt like a life time.

We had wanted this so much and felt in our hearts it was our time! Running out of the bathroom into my mans arms showing him the two pink lines was one of the most exciting times of my life. We cried, laughed, kissed and held on to each other for a few moments. We wanted to take it all in.  

Strange to say, but I had this strange feeling of “knowing” I was pregnant, My anxiety was sky high, weird mood swings, and my nipples were hard and sensitive all the time!!!

The next morning we woke up so excited, it was time to be rid of my bad habits, no more coffee in the morning, I changed to hot water and lemon. I still had my two eggs in a wrap with salsa.  Snacking became more important to me, I made sure I ate every 4 hours, even if I wasn’t hungry. I had read a few prenatal books and knew that nutrition is very important. I called my family doctor to schedule an appointment for him to confirm the pregnancy with blood work. … Because that’s what google told me to do. Of course he was on holidays so I would have to wait a week.. Which I thought okay that’s fine, this baby isn’t going anywhere.

7 days after my positive home pregnancy test, I started light spotting. Now for me, I am an entrepreneur, I cant just tell my boss I am feeling ill and leave. This happened in the morning, and by noon I had a full period and major cramping. All my signs of pregnancy faded, no more anxiety, my nipples no longer hurt or felt sensitive. I called the doctors office again, and had a scheduled appointment to days later. I called the midwife clinic and they had such compassion for me, they said because I wasn’t very far along that my options were slim, but if I wanted I could go to the emergency and request an ultra sound. I said thank you, and ended the conversation.

What a devastating feeling, I thought of everything I did in that week that could of caused this. I kept thinking this isn’t happening. I am not having a miscarriage.  The thought of that didn’t even cross my mind when we had decided to start trying. No one talks about the emotional roller coaster you sign up for when you decided to have/ make a baby. I wish there was a book or something I could of read to better prepare myself. But in all honesty, I’m not sure it would of helped. I can’t put it in to words the feelings that go through your body. I felt like I had failed my husband, telling him that night when I got home was terrible. I couldn’t stop crying. He was sad, gave me a hug and said everything was going to be okay, and we would keep trying.

We sat on the couch in silence for a while. Just holding each other. I’m not sure what went though his mind at this time, but I know for me, it was why?, why did this happen? I’m young, healthy, a good person, I’d be a wonderful mom, we’re ready for this! After about an hour of silence, he started making jokes and trying to make me laugh. When all I wanted was to be sad, cry and be in his arms. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just say it wasn’t meant to be and move on. The day I went into my doctors office, he had me do a urine test. Of course it was negative, so that is the first thing he tells me when he comes into the room.

“Oh your pregnancy test is negative”, like I wanted it to be or something. When he sees me blush and my eyes tear up, he says “oh, I’m assuming you and your husband are trying”? The 15 minutes I was in there, he stood at the door with this hand on the knob, like he had better things to do. He said “keep trying, sex every other day, have fun with it”. I left feeling more confused and sad, like what just happened. He was cold, and brushed me off like I was a leaf on his shoulder.

Once I could talk about it without breaking down and crying I decided to tell my sisters and parents. Well what a mistake that was. I felt instant regret when the words rolled off my tongue, of course they think they are all doctors and know best, and all have answers as to why  this happened to me. I made each conversation shorter as I called each one of them. My parents were visiting at the time, so I told them in person, and said please don’t talk about this, I don’t want advice or your opinion as to why it has happened, just know I am dealing with it best I can.

A month passes by, and of course we don’t stop trying. December 18th I have another positive home pregnancy test. This time I was 6 days late for my period, I went out bought another first response test.. Got home took it and by my surprise, it was positive. I was instantly scared, not sure how to feel. I didn’t want to feel this disappointment again. My husband wasn’t home at this time, so I decided to wrap the stick up and he could open it Christmas morning since it wasn’t very far away. Well that lasted about 4 hours, he was in the shower and I started to think about a baby in our lives, and how much we wanted it. The excitement soon took over and I ripped that box open took the stick out, and stood in the bathroom while he took his shower, talking about anything and everything. Once he pulled back the curtain, I held up the stick to his face. He was like ahh what is this?! Are we pregnant!?

Smiling I say YES!

His response was so not what I wanted,…”well don’t get excited or tell anyone, we know what happened last time” My excitement came crashing down and so did my smile, I say “shut up”, can you please just be excited with me?!  We hug and silence takes over.

This time, I decided I didn’t want to deal with my family doctor, already having a bad experience with him. I decided to call the midwife clinic and see what my next step was with them. I took a first response test every two days for the first 2 weeks. Everyone was bright two lines! Yippy I am still pregnant I thought each time. Sonja the receptionist, had such love in her voice, she said I remember you. We’ve talked before, I said yes, I was the one who called and could barely talk to tell you about my miscarriage two months ago, you were kind enough to let me cry and say kind words.

The first available appointment they had available, was January 8th @ 2pm. I could hardly wait, I was so excited. I thought I’ve had my miscarriage, it wont happen to me again.  The only symptoms I had this time was my nipples. I felt normal, like myself. Which worried me a bit.  I went through the holidays by saying “Oh im DD today”, or “im cleansing my body, no wine for me”!  My family knew something was up, but didn’t ask.

I had a hard time keeping this wonderful secret to myself, so I decided I would pick 1 sister to tell… Well anyone with sisters knows.. once one knows they all know! SO that was a huge mistake. They were all excited and wanted to tell the world, but I made them all promise they would keep it a secret till I had my first doctors appointment. Monday January 5th, 4 days before my first midwife appointment, I went to work like every other day, felt good. Around 11am, I went to the bathroom, and when I wiped, it was dark brown. My heart sank, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I didn’t want to move. I was frozen.

After a moment I got up, and went to sit down at my desk.. Trying not to think the worse, I started to google and everything led to what I feared…. Miscarriage. Tears fell down my face, and I was once again heart broken. I Questioned everything I did the last few days, what did I eat, did I get enough sleep. Being at work was another hard part, putting a smile on my face when customers came in, talking happy as if nothing was wrong. When all I could think about was losing my baby. I called the midwife clinic shortly after, and told Sonja what happened. She paused and said, “I’m so sorry, This is your second one isn’t it”? Crying I whimper and manage to get out a”yes” She got one of the midwives that was on my team to come to the phone, Catherine asked me, what color the blood was. I said at first it was brown, and she said oh that’s a good sign. But then I said, it is now bright red. She paused and said, get to the emergency room asap, and ask for an ultra sound, they will be able to tell you whats going on.

I decided I would close the store early, and go home to tell my husband the horrifying news.  Once again, he gives me an answer I didn’t want to hear, “it’s okay babe, We will have a baby someday, we are meant to be parents”  I don’t know why he couldn’t just cry with me, and feel the sadness I was feeling. We got in the car and head to the Collingwood ER,  they took me in right away, they calculated I was about 7 weeks along.  The ultra sound showed their was a sac intact, and everything looked good. The doctor said it was too early to tell if it would end in a miscarriage. But to keep positive and come back in two days time to have another ultra sound.  We left the hospital, not saying a word the whole way home.  I went to straight to bed when we got home, and just cried, I knew in my heart I was losing the baby. The cramps grew stronger, the flow got heavier, and so did the clots.

Two days later I go back to the hospital alone, I didn’t want anyone with me, not even my husband. I knew what the news was going to be. I wanted to deal with it alone, and not think about anything else.  I had a vaginal ultra sound and blood work, of course the ultra sound technician doesn’t say a word or tell you if anything is good or bad. So I had to wait till 2pm for my first midwife appointment. What a long stressful day. I had my husband pick me up from work and we went to this one together.  When we first arrived, the results had not arrived yet, so we went over a few things about midwifery, did we want a home birth, did we want to do genetic testing, or have a medicated birth. This was a lot to take in, with the thoughts of my dying baby inside me. I know many people think its not a baby this early on, it’s just a ball of cells my one sister told me.  But I feel differently.

It doesn’t matter how far along you are, if your pregnant, you have a baby inside you, you are carrying and nurturing a life. The greatest gift in life.

Once the results came in, Katherine read them out loud. Their was reminance of something in my fallopian tubes, and a small piece of something in the bottom of my uterus. They could not rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Since there was not enough evidence to tell for sure.  All we heard was confirmation that I had lost another baby. Katherine got down to my level put her hands on my shoulders and said you need to morn this, cry, let it all out. She looked at my husband and said you need to too and don’t stop her from feeling this. I questioned God’s faithfulness at that moment, why was he doing this to me. How could I have faith.

This might be more information then you want to read so feel free to skip over this part, but anyone who goes through this can relate. It’s not just a typical period you have after a miscarriage. The cramping is severe on & off, a lot of clotting, large chunks of who knows what, I didn’t even want to think about what it was I was flushing and it’s hard not to think every time you go to the washroom that your flushing your baby away. After a few days the cramping stopped, so did the bleeding. I carried on with my life. Telling family members that I had yet again had another miscarriage and it totally sucked!! It was like re-living those feelings every time. They never say anything you want to hear, or anything that makes you feel better. I got responses like; “there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, have a glass wine of wine & put your feet up”

“ sorry to hear sister”

& my favourite…

“are you sure you were even pregnant, did you have any symptoms?”

NO one knows the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive or pregnancy unless they have gone through it, or are going through it. Many people forget it all when they do have a successful pregnancy.  I’ve learned that you will be disappointed in life time after time if you get your hopes up of seeing the reactions of other people. Even if they are close to you, it seems their answer is just never what you want to hear even though they mean well. I’ve talked to my nurse practitioner and she said once I have 4 miscarriages they will send me for fertility testing. Well there ya go I said, “i’m half way there”. My doctor said I have to be actively trying for over a year before he would look into it.

I wish their was another way, I guess best thing to do is let nature takes it course and put faith in God that he will let it happen.  I am lucky to have such an amazing partner in life who is so positive and reminds me every day that we will be parents some day. I am still on my journey, every day is a new day. I am not disappointed when aunt flow decides to visit me right now. I am taking my time, God will grant me with a beautiful child someday, I just have to have faith and love knowing this. I’ve recently purchased the Clear Blue Ovulation test… not sure why seeing as I have no problems getting pregnant… my problem is staying pregnant!

I will let you know what happens next month!

……..Stay tuned!

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